Dating Advice I’ll Give My Daughter

Though dating has its pros, it certainly comes with its fair share of cons. If not approached with wisdom, what is designed to be a fun opportunity to meet and create pleasant memories with the opposite sex, can quickly turn into an emotionally-damaging, time-wasting nightmare. Inspired by my mistakes and the mistakes of the women around me, here is part one of the Top Dating Advice I’ll Give My Daughter.

Don’t Expect Him to Change

Accept the man you are dating or in a relationship with at face value. Women are infamous for dating “projects”. In other words, they get into a relationship with a man with the expectation they will be able to change him. You can inspire people to change, and hope that they will. But, you can never force them to. Not only is it unrealistic, but it is also unfair to the other person. Imagine if a guy claimed to want you but insisted you change your hairstyle, music preferences, and the way you laugh first. It sounds silly but women tend to do this to men all the time.

If you are choosing someone, you have to be willing to accept them for who they are, and where they are. If you met him as a cheater, expect him to remain a cheater. If you met him as a hothead, expect him to remain a hothead. Analyze any red flag or annoying trait a person has and ask yourself: “If this person never changed in this area, would I be okay with it?” If the answer is no, it’s best you walk away. No point in staying hoping a person will change.

Don’t Think Love is Enough to Sustain a Relationship

You can love someone while still acknowledging that the two of you will never work. Relationships shouldn’t just be built on emotions and feelings. Those things are fickle and can waver or fade. Instead, you’ll want to build your relationship on compatibility. 

Having a similar vision and wanting the same things out of life is important. If you want kids, but you are in love with someone who doesn’t, eventually that may cause friction, for example. Similarly, it is important to build a relationship with someone with similar morals and values. 

Sex Can Seriously Wait

When introduced into a relationship too early, sex can easily cloud judgment and it can be hard to discern between love and lust. You can even find yourself in a situation where you like the sex and physical pleasures the person gives you, more than you like that actual person. In those cases, if you take the sex out of the equation, you realize you two have little to nothing in common. No matter how exciting the sex seems now, it will eventually grow old. Therefore, you want to make sure you have something more stable to bond you guys.

Furthermore, sex creates soul ties, or a deeply engrained spiritual connection with another person’s soul. Soul ties aren’t inherently bad, especially when formed in a marriage covenant. However, forming an eternal soul tie with a temporary lover can be emotionally and mentally excruciating. This is why people will say and mean things like, “When you left a piece of me died” or “I feel empty without him”. That is because your soul can become so knit with another’s to where you feel like they are part of you. Once a soul tie is formed, severing it is difficult. Even if the relationship is toxic or dead, it is hard to walk away from someone you have a soul tie to. Even once you find the strength to break free, they can leave with a piece of your soul making you feel empty. Or, you’ll leave with a piece of their soul, making you feel bogged down with heaviness.

Make sure you invest time into getting to know the guy at his core. Before sleeping with him, you’ll want to make sure your connection and attraction are more than just superficial. This will prevent unnecessary heartbreak and baggage.

Don’t Move in With Him Before Marriage

If marriage is the goal you’ll want to avoid this as much as you can. There’s an old adage that states, “women are the gatekeepers of sex, but men are the gatekeepers of marriage.” If this is true, that means no matter how loyal and committed to a man you are the decision of whether or not he marries you is controlled by him… unless you play your cards right.

If we’re being honest, most men today are in no rush to get married. If he’s not ready to marry you, he’s also not ready to get all the benefits of having a live-in wife either. Playing house with a guy in hopes he’ll marry you is like paying a stranger cash for a future job without arranging any type of written or verbal agreement or commitment from him. You can rely on good faith and a prayer that he completes the job, but there the chance that he won’t deliver.

Do not allow a man to waste precious years of your life while you live with him, bear his kids, and perform all other wifey duties, “in hopes” that he will eventually give you what you want. Get some type of commitment from him first, before handing all your cards to him. 

Don’t Stay in a Relationship You Know Isn’t Working, Just Because You’ve Invested Alot of Time Into It.”

Aubrey de Grey once said, ‘Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.’ It’s common for people to stay in relationships that are toxic, dead, or simply not working, just because they invested a lot of time and or resources into it. Starting over from a relationship you held on to for 5 or 10 years can be scary, but it’s worth it to see what happiness and peace await you. There are plenty of men out there. Your inability to let the wrong one go will only prolong or prevent you from finding the right one.

Don’t Confuse Personality with Character

Personality is who you show the world that you are. Character is who you actually are. Just because a guy is funny, charming, and says all the right things, does not mean he is a good person. Some of the best (or worse) “players” are also the most romantic ones. Instead of allowing yourself to be blinded by love, pay more attention to words than you do actions. Is he a man of his words? How does he act when he gets mad or doesn’t get his way? Look beyond who he is presenting himself to be, and deeper into who is proving himself to be.

Don’t Put Pressure On The Relationship

As a woman, it’s natural to be a hopeless romantic who daydreams about marriage and falling in love on the first date, and living happily ever after. That adds a lot of unnecessary stress on our dates though. You don’t have to treat every date as if it’s an audition for a film called Marriage and you’re casting for “The One”.

Approach dates with ease and lightheartedness. Think of it as nothing more than two people coming together to enjoy each other’s company for the present moment. Sometimes you will go on dates that turn out to be nothing more than a one-time conversation with a stranger about random topics. Other times they will be more memorable and the start of something beautiful.

Regardless, let each relationship flow naturally. Be yourself, and allow the other person to be themselves. Instead of stressing out and wondering if he likes you, take time to evaluate if you really like him. Never rush the pace out of desperation!

Trust Your Gut Feeling

Female intuition is real. When we have “gut feelings” I like to think of that as Holy Spirit giving us premonition about something. I say this because there are several verses in the bible that alludes to the spirit flowing from our bellies.

If you have a gut feeling that you shouldn’t meet up with that guy, don’t go. If you have a gut feeling that he is cheating on you, vet out the circumstances. You won’t always have a reasonable explanation as to why you do or don’t want to do a specific thing but follow that gut feeling anyways. Mine has never failed me and I could have avoided some mistakes had I listened.

You’ll Never Have to Compromise Your Morals For the Right One

When you end up compromising in order to gain, maintain, or entertain a relationship you will always regret it in the long run. Eventually, you will feel like you are not being real with yourself. You may even build some resentment towards the other person for inspiring you (directly or indirectly) to compromise. If a relationship requires you to compromise, it is not the relationship for you.

Have An Identity Exclusive From Your Relationship

Having a life outside of your relationship does not mean that you love your partner any less. It is important to cultivate friendships, hobbies, and interests outside of the relationship. On the contrary, this can help add more interesting dynamics and enrichment to the relationship.

It can also alleviate some of the unrealistic, heavisome burdens we tend to put on our partners to be an all-in-one partner slash therapist, best friend, workout buddy, lover, etc. Be intentional about cultivating other areas in your life so that your demands and expectations do not become strenuous in the relationship.

You Will Always Regret Lowering Your Standard

For clarity, I’m referring to high-level standards as opposed to superficial ones such as height and physical appearance. High-level standards include how you want a man to speak to you, treat you, behave, etc. You can compromise on a low-level standard but certain things are not worth ignoring.  If you have a standard, the standard has a root and reason. If a guy is not meeting your standards and you communicate that to him, one of two things will need to happen. Either he will decide to rise up to the occasion and start making strides to start meeting the standard. Or, he will decide that the standard is not worth his reach and effort. Whatever you do, do not move the goal post to accommodate him if it is important to you. He needs to either come up or make room for another guy who is willing and able to meet your standard. 

Lowering your standards will almost always make you feel like you settled. You may also start to resent him for not being the person you want him to be. Even worse, you’ll keep trying to change him and mold him into someone who he is not. 

Not All Men Are The Same 

You may come across some grimy men once or twice in your lifetime. Okay, fine: you may come across dozens of grimy men in your lifetime. No matter how many times you run across these types of men, remember those good men still exist. 

Take the lessons you learned from your encounters with those men. Do not, however, make a new guy pay for another man’s mistakes. Healed and whole people tend to attract other healed and whole people. Don’t let a sour experience turn you. Keep your hope in men alive, and remain open and receptive to love, always exercising the good judgment of course.

There are so many other things that I would want to tell my future daughter. Tune in for PART: II, coming soon