I’m not okay. I finally admitted to myself.
This was a hard confession for me because, like many other women, I like to think of myself as strong and confident. But that night, I had to come to terms that somewhere deep inside me still lived an insecure, angry, and broken young girl who, from time to time, has negatively influenced one too many areas of my adult life.
I’m not sure when exactly this pain started.
Different heartbreaks, betrayals, and the pain of traumatic experiences, had shaped who I was, how I viewed the world, and how I approached new relationships. Without even realizing it, I walked around with cynic-colored glasses for a long time.
This is the unfortunate truth for many women. We get hurt by past lovers and friends and as if that hurt was our most prized Chanel bag, we carry the baggage from season to season, never knowing how to let it go.
We sometimes carry pain for so long that it starts to affect our personalities. We may even say things like “that’s just the way I am”, but if you’re being honest that’s not how you always were.
Some of the signs that you’re operating from a place of pain are as follows:
- You’ve become very reserved or quiet throughout the years when this was not your original personality.
- You’ve grown cold, stoic, or numb to emotions. You hardly take the time to acknowledge pain. Instead, you brush it off as though it doesn’t bother you.
- You’re great at making friends but only on a surface-level. You struggle to let people in close enough to see the real you.
- You’ve developed an air of haughtiness, pride, or excessive confidence. This may be a subconscious reaction to make you unapproachable so people are less likely to come in and get a chance to hurt you.
- You’ve found yourself doing to others, the same wrong someone has done to you.
- You have problems trusting people or you assume the worst in people.
- You’ve said things like “all men are dogs,” or “there are no good men left”.
- You find yourself irrationally lashing out your anger on your children, strangers, or those currently trying to love you.
- You’ve lost hope in love. You treat men with contempt or you try to hurt them before they can hurt you.
- Even when you are in a relationship you have a hard time opening up about your past and your emotions.
- You question if you are adequate or worthy of healthy love and relationships.
Regardless of what your story of pain looks like, you do not have to stay there forever. You can be healed and made whole again. You can learn to love and trust again without feeling stuck in a fear of rejection, betrayal, or disappointment.
There’s a saying that everything heals in time. That is not entirely true. Certain things require you to intentionally deal with before they can be healed. For example, if you catch a common cold, you can weather it for a few days and eventually heal. If you catch a more serious bacterial infection however, you will need to seek treatment to find healing. The longer you let it linger without treating it, the more damage it does.
Similarly, it’s important not to wait around in pain hoping one day to miraculously feel better. Aggressively pursue your healing. It will be a long, hard journey but it leads to a beautiful destination.
First, ask for God’s help. To walk in the fullness of your healing you will need to involve the creator of your soul who understands your pain. Be honest with him about where you are and the areas you need help in.
In order to do this, you may need to also forgive God. It’s normal to feel like it is God’s fault for letting all those horrible, unfair things happen to you. Regardless, God still loves you and he did not orchestrate those things. He always plans the best for you. We can trust that no matter what we’ve been through or what has happened to us, God is helping us through it and is there to redeem us.
Speaking of forgiveness, you may need to forgive those who hurt you and forgive yourself for any shame or guilt you may feel.
Further, find someone you can be accountable to. This may be a friend, a significant other, a counselor, or a pastor. Negative emotions are like toxins in our bodies and sometimes the best way to get them out is by confessing them out loud. Find someone who you feel comfortable disclosing things to, sometimes a professional counselor is exactly what we need. You can decide the pace and it’s okay if you are not able to spill everything all at once. It’s important that who you choose to share with is trustworthy and it’s okay if time is needed for trust to build.
Inviting people in this process can be great so you can have those who can celebrate your wins with you and encourage you when things are painful on the journey. They may also be able to help pray with you and see some areas of your life, or character that may be in your blind spot.
Equally important is the need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Healing may require you to call someone you hate to tell them you forgive them. It might ask you to unbury things you tried to stuff deep down and revisit some scenarios you tried so hard to forget. You’ll have to look deep within yourself and see what is the root of many of your behaviors and mindsets. None of this will be comfortable. Don’t fight it, do it anyways.
This healing journey will require vulnerability, accountability, discomfort, and patience. You’ll reach certain points where it may all seem overwhelming and the temptation to stay stagnant may come. Do not allow that to happen. Stay the course. Your wholeness is worth the journey, and you are never alone.
- The Art of Femininity: 7 Hobbies to Elevate Your Year - January 3, 2024
- Our Idols Are Falling: Why Celebrity Culture Must End - January 1, 2024
- Modest while it’s the hottest: How to dress modestly in the summer - June 20, 2023
