In the western world, most of our ideas about love and relationships comes from movies and television shows. We fall head over heels for the story of the star-crossed lovers in The Notebook or the budding romance between Quincy and Monica in Love and Basketball. These stories instill expectations, both consciously and unconsciously, in our heads of what love is supposed to look like, how love should feel and what we shouldn’t tolerate. Most importantly, they reassert the notion of “the one”. The one person who you are destined to be with romantically. The Jack to your Rose, the Darius to your Nina. Now, I hate to burst your bubble, but “the one” does not exist. At least not in the way that we are conditioned to think it does. “The one” does not just appear in front of us one day and carry us down the road of Happily Ever After. It requires cultivation through compatibility, effort, and a whole lot of emotional intelligence.
Is it Just Infatuation?
Infatuation can very easily be mistaken for love. It creates the feeling of being on a drug. A sort of addiction that psychologists attribute to the release of dopamine and oxytocin to the brain. Infatuation creates the image of “the one”, the person you feel you can’t live without, the person who you believe was made “just for you”. The chemistry is potent and alive. This person is constantly on your mind and you can’t seem to keep your hands off each other when you meet in person. You never felt this way about another person before. They say all of the right things and do all of the right things. This seemingly perfect person and relationship should be the first red flag, but infatuation clouds our judgment. It keeps us from seeing the other person and the relationship for what it really is. We let our feelings and infatuation for a person be the deciding factor for diving into a committed relationship, but we soon realize that it’s not enough. It doesn’t last. Now, I’m not saying that having feelings and an attraction for someone is a bad thing, but what I am saying is that it is a faulty foundation upon which to build a happy and long-lasting relationship.
Compatibility, Compatibility, Compatibility
In order to steer away from this idea of finding “the one” into cultivating “the one” we need to talk about compatibility, the meat of a healthy relationship and the sturdy foundation that holds together relationships through the most tumultuous times. The word compatible is used by many when describing their partner to friends and family, but what really is compatibility? It’s deeper than having the same interests, sense of humor, or personality.
According to motivational speaker, Jay Shetty, when determining whether someone is a compatible life partner there are three areas that you must consider: Communication styles, personal goals, and honesty and comfort in expressing oneself. It’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to communication as it relates to navigating conflicts, arguments, or just discussing various topics. Are you both the type to process a situation and find a solution? Or is one person the problem solver and the other person more passive in their approach?
Compatibility as it relates to personal goals is also very important. Like I said before, it’s not about having the same interests and goals, but whether or not you both are at the same place in life. Whether or not you both are at the same commitment levels and have the same desires and priorities as it comes to life and fitting a relationship into that dynamic. Are you both willing to make sacrifices for the relationship? And, if so, to what extent?
Finally, compatibility can also be measured in how honestly you can express yourself to another person without the fear of being judged, unheard, or misunderstood. It’s important to feel seen and understood by your partner, Similar to how you feel around a close friend.
It Makes Us Feel Better About Ourselves
This idea that our soulmate or “the one” is out there waiting, allows us to play the victim. “It didn’t work out because they weren’t ‘the one’”, “No worries I’ll find the one’ soon”, “We’re just not meant to be”. I’ve used at least one of these statements at the end of a failed relationship. It feels good to say, because it subtracts responsibility from ourselves and puts it into the hands of fate. We blame the end of our relationships on the notion that they weren’t “the one” instead of on our poor relationship skills, bad communication skills, low self-esteem, or refusal to learn from past mistakes.
Now, I am no relationship expert. Just like you, I’m trying to figure this love thing out. If there is one thing that I have learned from background research (podcasts, articles, testimonials), it is. that it takes effort and time. Compatibility and chemistry can be developed with time. Love takes time and if you’re not deliberate and committed, then it’s not going to work. Remember, it’s not about finding “The One”, but cultivating “The One”.
Sources:
Five Ways to Date Well- The Rooted Life Podcast
3 Reasons Why Compatibility is More Important Than Chemistry- On purpose with Jay Shetty
How Important is Chemistry? Dr. Gary Brown
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